Friday, July 27, 2007


Tony Lane was very unkind to Danny Boyle's new movie, but Massawyrm loves it, with this very funny caveat:

[I]f one thing is bothering me about this it is one of the lynch pins of the premise. You see, the sun is dying. And what is Hollywood's response? I know, let's strap a bunch of astronauts to the back of a bomb and launch them headlong into the sun. Um, okay. That sounds…plausible enough. Fortunately for me I'm buddies with Copernicus, our resident real life Astrophysicist. And he assured me that Hollywood actually has it right.

Wyrm, he reassured me, I understand how hard it is to understand for a layman like yourself, but we scientists are working hard every day to solve the astrophysical problems of tomorrow with the nuclear weapon technology of today. For example, say the core of the earth were to stop spinning. "Wait, the core of the Earth could stop spinning?" Sure, and when it does, we're gonna strap what we scientists refer to as a BIG FUCKALL BOMB to the back of a drill and send it straight towards the center of the Earth.

"Wait, but what if say an Asteroid were to collide with the planet?" Well then we'd have to send a drill out into space to strap a bomb to the back to. But of course, that would require oil drillers – which you'd have to train as astronauts first. Fortunately for us, their skill sets are very similar.

"But what if, say, a large comet were discovered by someone, like, Frodo? What then?" Well, then we'd have to send astronauts out with robot drills that we could strap a BIG FUCKALL BOMB to. "Wait. Do you always need a drill?" Oh, heavens no. Only when you need one. If you're gonna send a nuclear weapon into the sun, you don't need to drill down into it. That would just be silly. Wyrm, what you're failing to grasp is that there is little in this universe that can't be improved by shoving a big fuckall bomb right up its ass. I mean, sure, thirty years ago nuclear weapons were only good for commies and aliens – you'd just nuke em from from orbit. It was the only way to be sure. But could you imagine what it would be like if Disney had been aware of the advances we've made today? Do you realize what could have happened at the end of THE BLACK HOLE? "That would be fucking awesome!" Yeah, that's exactly what Stephen Hawkings said.

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