What Would Jesus Rap?

The Washington Examiner ran a very important headline yesterday. “What Would Jesus Rap?” they inquired. The popular answer, I am guessing, is that He would rap about nice Christian themes, acts of selflessness and piety. That kind of thing. But there’s another possibility, that Jesus the rapper would have gone gangsta. Dropping dope rhymes and dissing his enemies, the Good Lord might have put things very differently. The Beatitudes, for example, might have come out like this:

Blessed are the meek
Lyin at my feet
In a pool of blood
You can take a peek

Blessed are the Poor
Who continue to whore
Wondering what
Heaven is for

You too will mourn
The day you were born
When you feel the edge
Of my terrible scorn

Just cause you’re hungry
Don’t mean it right
To grab my sandwich
And take a bite

Forget about Marvin
Don’t mercy me
No mercy you
Just ferocity

Blessed are the peacemakers
And my other guns
Cause you run around, gangster,
You gotta carry one

Fuck the weirdos
and their saintly acts
You want my prayers?
Don’t even ax.