Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Peter's Evil Overlord List

Courtesy of Galley Brother B.J.--a list of things one fellow would do if he was elected Evil Overlord:
#8 After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

#17 When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

#23 I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

#26 No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

#44 I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

#48 I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

#52 I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

#90 I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

#98 # If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.


Lawjedi said...

This is fantastic!! Sun Tzu has met his match.

Anonymous said...

JVL: The Evil Overlord list pre-dates the world wide web, I remember seeing it on a newsgroup back in the early 90s. Perhaps next you'll warn us about e-mails with subject headers like "i love you" and "anna kournakova naked" because they may contain a virus. Catch up with the times my man!

Anonymous said...


Go here for the history and the whole thing.

Anonymous said...

JVL, I thoroughly enjoyed that and it was the first time I ever heard it. Anonymous must be referring to an ancient pre web post that is stored on a cassette tape drive of an old IBM PCJR that a former hacker who is now banned from the internet hooked up to the web in some old laboratory just in case he needed to access it someday but didn;t want Don Cheadle or some other law enforcement type to find. And at least you know what the nacelles on the Enterprise are for...... And whats wrong with thinking about a naked Anna Pornakova?