Paging Matt Labash, STAT

In the tradition of Tupac, Jewelz, and Shaq, Hillary Duff is dropping knowledge on Lindsay Lohan with her new album. From the song "Haters":

You're the queen of superficiality / Keep your lies out of my reality. . . .

You say your boyfriend's sweet and kind / But you've still got your eyes on mine.

It's not quite Dre or Biggie, mind you (Try to jack me up for a 211 / Fuck around and get up in a 187 or What's beef? / Beef is when you need two gats to go to sleep / Beef is when your moms ain't safe up in the streets / Beef is when I see you / Guaranteed to be an ICU).

What the world clearly needs is a magazine-length treatment of the blood-feud between Miss Piggy and the Hilton-in-Training. And there's only one writer in America qualified to do it. Over to you, Matt.